back the fuck up, bruh.

.

today, i feel like a halfway inflated kickball. no matter how tired i am, life just won’t stop pitching me around. i wish i could deflate myself in my bed and disappear for a while. since i have a life to live, that probably won’t happen. this valentines day marked the 6 year anniversary of the murder of a good friend. ironically, it’s also the day i’m supposed to be tra la la’ing everywhere. ha. for one reason or another, i couldn’t shake this frustration. this anger. this hurt. i wanted to kick over an old person’s garbage can, or put saran wrap on someone’s toilet seat. i was radiating irritation.

days like these are the worst for me. honestly, it’s hard as hell for me to reach out to people when something is really going wrong. when i am frustrated  or concerned about a situation, i can talk about it all day. but when the core of my bein

g is disturbed, when i am fragile, when i am not fucking feeling it (fo real fo real), i become hermetic. i don’t want to be bothered. i go into en garde! mode:

some days, i wish i could live in en garde mode. but i don’t know how to connect to another person without actually connecting to them. i can’t just attach and detach from one moment to the next. i actually give a fuck. so whenever someone i give any fucks about dies, leaves or is removed from my life, i retreat inside of myself:

when my heart breaks, i want to hide it.
when my trust is broken, i don’t want to trust anyone.
when my space is violated, i want to lock the world out.
when all that happens at once,
i want to be a walking block of concrete.

today, i am [re]learning where my unhide button is. reminding myself that it’s okay to have a guard; i NEED one to protect myself. i am caught between guarding my heart and burying myself alive. my guard will not become my emotional prison.